My Life

I've hardly earned anything...
the breath I breathe,
the days I've lived,
the wonderful people I've known,
the opportunities I've had,
the 'successes' I've enjoyed,
the cash I've spent,
the respect I've received.
Probably why many times I take them for granted
And mess things up really bad before I know it.
Absolutely why I really can't complain if someohow I lose it all.

I never really deserved anything
The only claim I can make is being loved
And a promise that I'll always be

This is no poem!...This is my life!

That Was The Plan!

At that time, everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. How could this be? This shouldn’t be! The man we had come to believe as our savior has been taken as a prisoner. Worse, he is on death row! Something is not right! But he was genuine. He did wonders! Real tangible, perceivable wonders! Things we had never seen before. Without a doubt, he is the savior. So why this? How come? How can? Or is this another one of his works? Perhaps this is the climax of his demonstration of power. Perhaps this was designed to publicly shame the unbelievers…Perhaps he will destroy the enemies, make a public show of them and become the King he was proclaimed to be in such a way that no one can deny. Is that it? But it doesn’t seem like it. Things are getting worse. He is experiencing real pain! He’s shedding real tears! He’s hurting! He’s bleeding! No, it’s not a script… It’s not a trick…He’s in real trouble now. But he was the Christ! Or was it a false claim like many of us had suspected? But he proved it many times. John spoke of him. Scriptures appeared to all be pointing to him. Even God publicly backed him. God never opposed his claims. Something must be wrong! Something must have gone wrong! Or has God deserted him? Where’s his power? Where’s the authority he seemed to have over everything; man, nature, spirits? He’s dying now! On a cross! He’s hurting for real! His bones are breaking! Look, see his arms and feet are shaking! His muscles are tearing apart! His eyes are twitching. Oh no! This can’t be! Something must be wrong…this makes no sense! This can’t be right! And wow, he died!

At that time, everything that could go wrong went wrong. How could this be? He’s lost everything in one day! Everything but his life. They’re all gone! Just like that! His oxen, all of them. The whole five hundred of them! His seven thousand sheep, gone! His three thousand camels, five hundred donkeys and all his servants; all gone! In one day! Just like that! Like that was not enough… the big blow comes. His seven sons and three daughters! Gone! What on earth is going on?! Such a righteous man!  Blameless and upright! What can you accuse him of? What wrong has he ever done? Whom has he ever offended? Who can lay a charge against him…from where shall his accuser even emerge? Even God acknowledges of his righteousness! We have never seen a more perfect man that him. But look! Look at all this that is happening to him. This should not be! How can this be! Such a favoured and blessed man. He was deserving of everything he owned! So why this? This makes no sense! The righteous shouldn’t suffer, talk less of this measure. And while this breaks our hearts and boggles our minds…it gets worse. Boils! From the sole of his feet to the top of his head! Now this is no joke…this is seriously another level. God must be angry with him. No righteous man should be afflicted like this! This is definitely God on his case. This is a higher level of torment! This is a curse! This is God’s fury upon him. Perhaps he wasn’t as righteous as we all thought. Perhaps he had a secret sin we all knew nothing about! Perhaps, all his outward goodness was just a show to cover up the evil in his heart. God has exposed him! God’s justice has fallen upon him! His cup is full! That has to be it. Else why should he suffer like this? If he were as righteous as he claimed and we thought God surely wouldn’t let this happen to him! But how can we be sure? He wouldn’t confess to anything despite all this pain. He cannot be persuaded by anyone. Not even his wife and pals can pressure him to admitting his sin. Even the hardest of hearts will melt into confession at the taste of such affliction. They’ll admit their sin and beg for mercy. But he wouldn’t. This makes no sense! There’s definitely something out of place. Something is wrong somewhere. Hmmnnn!

What could have gone wrong?! I share the same puzzle as I write this. I should be studying for my next paper tomorrow but I’ve spent the past couple of hours resisting the temptation of vocalizing my questions. I’m even battling them from within my heart. Trying to convince myself of how I don’t need the answers. But denying my curiosity to know will be a big lie! Why did what happened today happen? I sat there and my head felt light. I had solved the questions before the exam. I didn’t skip them while studying. I practiced and made sure I could solve it again and again without referring to the solutions. I solved that particular one at least four times. I memorized the formulas and made a formula sheet out of them. They were many formulas and they had to be memorized. And I memorized them all. And I checked to make sure I could reproduce them. I prayed in the morning. I prayed before starting the paper. What went wrong? Was I too tired? But I slept at night. I even took a nap at the library before continuing my study earlier in the day just to make sure I wasn’t mentally worn out. So what did I do wrong?

 It just didn’t make sense to me as I stared at the same question I had solved over and again and couldn’t put my pen on the sheet. I switched to the pencils hoping I could scribble out the formulas and figure things out from there. But the formulas just won’t come out right. Suddenly they became confusing. Some of them were totally beyond reach. Totally! What?!! One hour to go and I knew nothing else to write. And this is the same module I got a 24/25 in the course work. I only needed to answer two out of the three questions to get a 75% ; an A. And If I answered all three questions that would be a wonderful score and that was what I hoped for. But I had practiced those two questions very well to at least secure those marks. So what happened?! I sat there asking myself the same question as I watched the clock tick away and my neighbour fill up his script and leave the hall. Wow!!! Something was not right! I prayed. Mehn, I prayed! I practiced too; very well. It just didn’t make sense. Still doesn’t. So “Lord why?” was the question lingering at the door of my lips. I thought we had agreed this would be the highlight of my result. I thought I had just glorified You a few days ago when I shared the testimony of my great score in the coursework with some friends from fellowship. I thought You were proud to have made me score the highest in my class such that it was easier to relate with all other smart guys in my class whom I had hoped I would be able to reach out to sometime.  I thought the plan was to make me stand out and give me a great testimony with this module; a testimony with which I could encourage those that look up to me. But look now. I’m blank! For something I had rehearsed. Was it that I should have practiced more times? But the last time I scored a 91% I don’t think I even practiced a single question four times like I did for this one. I didn’t even memorise formulas like this. Or should I have giving my head some more rest before the exam? But how can I stay in bed when You had told me what to study and I didn’t want to take that favour for granted? I cannot claim I did everything right. But I honestly cannot see my fault here. I thought everything had gone okay before that moment. But the moment after persuades me to believe something must have gone wrong somewhere. This makes no sense!

So I return to my room, smiling in inexplicable amazement of what just happened. I get home, drop my bag, take of my shoes and worship. I reluctantly get off my bed after a nap and then go for a shower. While at that I keep battling with the questions in my head and how I still cannot concretely blame myself for my experience today. But then I keep recalling the passage (Job 40-42) which I was led to read last night - where You replied job for his attempted contention against You. So I smile again and step back from my confidence. Then I am reminded of the questions You posed to Job. I am reminded of how Your sovereignty is beyond my comprehension. I am reminded of how the death of Christ appeared to be in total contradiction to ‘the plan.’  So much that Christ in that moment of pain sincerely felt “forsaken.” It was always the plan! But it hardly made sense at that time! Same for Job and perhaps for me.

Also, I realize it is okay for me to be puzzled now. It is okay for people to assume this is Your punishment to me for something I have done; pride, maybe. I realize it is okay for my experience to be inconsistent with what people had imagined of me or thought about me. It is okay for me to feel bad and ‘mourn.’ But only as long as I realize deep within my heart that You are faithful and sovereign and in control of everything. And oh yes, I do!

While the present is more apparent to all who may see, I yearn, dear Lord, for the end of the story. Because I know deep within my spirit that You do not fail the righteous. So this had to be Your plan. Yes! This was the plan!

So I write this post in all boldness and not afraid to share it with the world. So that Your glory will be undeniable when you reveal the end according to your own divine timing. Then, without a doubt they shall know…You do not fail the righteous! That you were in control all the while. Yes, then it shall be very clear. 

That was the plan!

Don't Trust Me

I thought I knew myself but too often was I wrong
Too often I found weakness in places I thought I was strong
Please do not trust me

I've badly bruised the ones I honestly love
And often broken their hearts with mine
I've made vows with words of extreme confidence
And watched them to lies incline
So let me beg you... while you love me
Please do not trust me

Please realise,
I am very imperfect
But my blemishes seem to hide perfectly
Beneath my pursuit of a better me
I'm thankful for the good you may have seen
But I'm honestly not proud of who sometimes I have been

I thought I knew myself but too often was I wrong
Too often I found weakness in places I thought I was strong
But the truth is one thing I'll always owe to you.
Only trust me if God clearly promised you could

.

I Fear

  

In trying to improve you

I'll change you

In trying to shield you

I'll weaken you

In trying to teach you

I'll limit you

In trying to show you

I'll obstruct you

In waiting patiently for you

I'll miss the cue

In praying the best for you

I'll pray myself away from you

I'm afraid

But still...

I'll help you improve

I'll try to shield you

What I've learned, I'll teach you

All I've seen I'll show you

I'll be patient with you

I'll keep praying for you

And if eventually I find my fears are true

I'll be sad...but still, I'll be proud of you

Psalm 151

For You have covered my frailty with favour and my mistakes with mercy
With loving kindness You have rebuked my doubtfulness and upon me have You generously showered Your grace.
Oh! How vile you will be, oh my soul, to distrust the Lord one more day
How wicked you will be to question Him yet again
Has He not rescued thee from the shadow of uncertainty?
Has He not performed beyond what you deserve?

Rejoice, my soul, rejoice!
Sing praise to His name evermore and forget not His benefits.

For He has spared you from the shame that awaited like a snare
And from the deceit of self-belief He has saved you
To them who may have asked secretly "now where is his God?," He has replied
Even to your inner probings, has He responded

Many trust in horses and chariots
On the sweat of their head and the strain of their muscles do they rely
But in You oh Lord do I trust!
On You oh Lord do I depend
For You are good and Your way is ALWAYS perfect.

Blessed be the Lord, My God!