I live, I Thank You

I live
I learn
I grow
I look back
I smile

I reminisce the days
I remember my ways
I regret my stupidity
I admit my mistakes
I laugh at my 'jonesing'

I probe my strategies
I acknowledge the challenges
I review the processes
I assess the outcomes
I appreciate the experiences -

I probed love;
I discovered man can't
I questioned friendship;
I caught the trick

I sought God;
I found satisfaction
I kept seeking;
I saw more -

I look down
I realize
I am higher
I look up
I thank You!

You Know Me

"O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
...
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
...
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be "
~Psalm 139 :1-16~

Search Me...Guide Me

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
~Psalm 139:23-24~

"May my prayer be set before you like incense;
may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.
Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD;
keep watch over the door of my lips.
Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,
to take part in wicked deeds
with men who are evildoers;
let me not eat of their delicacies.
Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness;
let him rebuke me—it is oil on my head.
My head will not refuse it..."
~Psalm 141: 2-5~

More

Okay...let me re-establish one fact; that I neither have an awesome voice nor possess admirable guitar skill; but those are not enough to stop me from expressing myself, especially to God.

So, here is a song I made with my guitar (which i hadn't played for ages) which at that moment had just five strings most of which were rusty...yeah, I was that determined not to let this one slip.

Be warned though, the timing is a bit inconsistent for some reason and my backup went slightly off-key a few times too, he he. Ok..enough!!! listen to it if u will.

lyrics:

verse
I've looked to the mountains
I've looked to the seas
I've looked all around me
And there's nothing I see
That compares to the greatness of your love

How can I refuse this grace that you give me
How can I explain this joy that's within my heart
For the world to understand

pre-chorus
So (Lord) fill my cup till it's overflowing
Till it's clear to every eye
And keep this light within me glowing
Till their hearts cannot deny
That this your love is so amazing;
That it heals and satisfies
Lord I'm thirsting;
I'm longing for more of you

chorus
I'm thirsty/longing/desperate for more, for more of You
To show your praise is all I wanna do
Give me more, I need more of you

Words Can't Express

It's overflowing from within me
I find myself in your presence
And I'm overwhelmed with excitement
I can't explain
Swept from my feet, I bow;
How can I not bow
How can I be silent
I forget how to be still
I loose control...I loose it all
Before you
I find pleasantness intangibly strong
No better place could I belong
My consciousness denies me
Radical humility overtakes me
ha ha ha...I don't know why I just wanna laugh
I don't know why I just have to be loud
I can't explain
But I love it here
It feels perfect!
The world ceases to exist before my being
All I see is you
And your glory overtakes my soul
I'm lost
I can't stop ha ha...
Making sounds I can't comprehend
I'm overflowing in expression
Your presence Lord, your presence
Empties and fills, breaks and heals
At the same moment
I see eternity
I see absolutely nothing else but You!
My hands want to clap
My feet want to jump
My bones want to dance
My mouth is confused;
I wanna sing, I wanna shout
My eyes twitch open and close for no reason
My lungs in unscorable rhythm
Long to exhale and inhale another
From whence comes that fragrance
From whence comes this joy!!!!
ha ha.....no words...strange words
I'm mad Lord...Lord, I'm drunk of your Presence
More Lord, More
I can't stop, I can't stop!!!!

Stop Trying!

Stop Trying!
We're too human to love

Stop looking around
'Cos you don't even really know it
And stop crying!
The "mummy loves you," love
Just can't love you enough
That vacuum you feel was made to be filled by something else;
Something that feels
Better than a kiss and the best of fleshy romance

So stop longing!
Stop wanting to be touched like no one else
'Cos no one else can reach that depth your heart craves
Oh...can't you see....
You've gotta stop waiting;
Love doesn't come in seasons, episodes, or chapters;
Stories, friends and friendships do!
But love is consistent pure and true

Love can forgive seventy times seven times in one day;
Wow!!!...who can?
Love can feel your deepest pain and heal them;
Family and loved ones can't
Love was there before the beginning and lasts forever;
Unlike nothing else
Love is God; nothing else!
Stop searching...
'Cos you can't know love
And would never find it till you really find God

Stop trying!

Cleaving

It's that side that's hidden;
No one can see
It's that side that's bleeding;
No words can heal
Barricaded, unreached
By ordinary hands
Other hearts cant feel
That's where I'm leaning

Not thirty-eighth degrees!
Not figures!
Words don't even say
But you know, Lord
Don't leave me!
See how much I'm cleaving
On this hope you give me
Yes!...No!
You can't leave me!

Only you carry my heavy side
'Cos only you can
Yes, you can
Wrap your arms around me
That all of me may stand firm
And in you
Yes Lord, you can
Only you can
I'm believing!
Lord, I'm cleaving!

One More Commandment

..and if I could add one more commandment it would be "THOU SHALT SAY NOT WHAT THOU MEANETH NOT neither out of politeness/courtesy nor seeming momentary necessity". I know it sounds pretty close to "THOU SHALT NOT LIE" but maybe having a second one to back it would reduce how much 'acceptable deception' exists in the world today.

This Love

If this is love, Lord, what was that?
It's just so different;
It's so pure; it's so meaningful
"Teach me to love" was what I asked
But Lord
This one heals
From my thoughts to my desires
It fills, it satisfies
I can't get enough

It humbles my will,
It tames my zeal,
Lord, it speaks...it really speaks!
It stills and speeds me
With each pulse it leads me
Even when I'm silent and unsure if I'm loving right
It whispers
"Just hold on...never let go,
This one is different!"

It's so inexplicably beautiful.

If this is love, Lord,
What was that?

"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you...my soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me" -- Psalms 63:3, 8

Hide & Seek

Lets play 'Hide and Seek'
It's simple
We won't need the sand
You don't need a stick
You won't need to run or even speak;
Just a choice and a sneak
Without a noise and quick
If I catch you, I win!
It's simple;
It's called 'Hide and Seek'

'Hide & Seek' is a situation that emerges very often between people. It is that state in a relationship or interaction between people and/or events when there is too much more known and felt than expressed. It's like an 'everybody knows it but nobody says it' scenario; where dissent is done with perfect silence; a cowardly specie of pretense that "everything is alright if you (they) say so". And Its annoying! Especially when reasonably high familiarity exists between the parties involved. Well, sometimes it's fun to 'play along' to enjoy the other party-or parties'- act but still it's not something I love! But apparently it works for many people; they don't have to "speak up!" and risk being wrong or appearing 'weaker'. Anyways, It's a good idea to yield to the bid of pragmatism and just ''shhhhhh" if the result promises to be better. Also speaking up very regularly, i believe, reduces how valuable your expressions are sensed. Even the Bible hints that "a fool is considered wise until he speaks" and that's something note-worthy. But still, I really dislike when people make it a habit or attitude to 'hide and seek' about almost everything and effortlessly act 'cool' while the volcanoes within continually boil. Nevertheless, I acknowledge that others don't think/act like me and I shouldn't really expect them to....that's why the 'game' shall seemingly remain, to be played.

For me, experience has made me aware that there are unpleasant downsides of both ends of the rope so I've chosen to rely on the leading of the Spirit of God in me but, since I'm still learning to listen, I shan't boast of always getting it right. However, my 'un-spiritual' preference would be that people speak up about things -when it can make a necessary difference - instead of holding back and letting them get worse.

Butterfly

Be still Butterfly, be still!
Your colours are bright
But oh, your 'wonderful' flight...
Be bold Butterfly, be bold!
I feel your fear
But two steps and your trust
Is all I need from here
Believe me Butterfly, believe me!
Often I come
But oh, the way you move misleads me

Be still Butterfly, be still!
Chasing is hard;
And stillness for you
So fly Butterfly, fly!
And when you finally perch,
Spread your wings
And let your colours glow
I pray they shall be even brighter
Than the much I had a chance to know

How to Love

"Lord, teach us [me] to LOVE!"

My World (Sometimes..)

Sometimes my mind ticks and my time thinks
Sometimes my birds dance and my trees sing
Sometimes my moon and sun swap places
Sometimes I look at you and see many faces
Sometimes it's too complex for more than one mind to understand
Sometimes it really doesn't make much sense

But it's a very beautiful world I've got
Up here in my head.

I Can't Wait

I can't wait for the dawn
When I shall rise to seek you.
I can't wait to leave the noise of the day
And retire to your feet; to the sweetness of our communion.
I can't wait to share my testimony;
For in your time you make it beautiful.
I can't wait to see that child turn back to you
Tell me; what do i have to do
I can't wait to write you another song
I'll just keep singing it raw from my heart all day long.
Because, Lord. I simply can't live without you!

OK...I am jonesing again!

I can’t sing you that song I wrote you ‘cos I’m still not sure I’ve got the right lyrics, tune and voice for it
I can’t say “I love you” cos its now cliché and...
I can’t say I know you very well; which should actually come first.
I can’t be too caring and nice cos I can’t risk being misinterpreted for an unveiling disguise.
I can’t see through your eyes but I’ld love to know how I appear to you; but I can’t.
I can’t be too direct with my words cos this way I hide my cowardice, get stuff off my chest and get compliment for poetry at the same time. Ha ha…
Yeah, I can’t help staring at you when you’re excited and making those bold expressions on your face
I can’t deny that you’re really (really) beautiful…and your smile is just so charming and adorable
And I can’t pretend not to know how desired you are by many and how blessed ‘the one’ would be and feel to have you.
And forgive me…I can’t stop finding you amazing, cos you really are; you’ve got that rare ‘something’!

But hey, I’m not such a loser…there are certain things I can do;
I can keep simple promises like “I’ll buy you lunch” and “I’ll pray for you”
I can understand if, somehow, we never go dancing, for whatever reasons…it’s ok, we could just spend time talking ‘real’ stuff, picking on each other and playing
And yes, very importantly …I can say “I will kill you” in your own dialect (& I hope you’re totally scared now)
I can tell you the scarce truth when you need to hear it…yeah, I can be unnecessarily helpful sometimes
I can keep secrets.
I can keep you company while on our way on a short journey
I can guess you will never read this if I don’t show you but that’s ok….cos
I can live with you not knowing these

Please don’t mind how I just put words and ideas together and make a post, “that’s just how I roll”. This time I just felt like doing it this way and hey, I still think you are amazing! And I hope this sincere note makes you smile (at least for a second).

GT

The Lamb and The Labyrinth

Predictable people are easier to work with. Unpredictable people are more interesting to be with. But most people are a confluence of both and one's inability to be certain of the instantaneous degree of predictability of another individual is often the twist in the incomprehensibility of people's attitude.

If the above statement sounds complex to you it only does because of the complexity of the subject -generic human behavior reflection in trends of non-linear relationship and interpersonal interaction issues - which would hardly fail to reflect itself in text about the subject, if well expressed. [to be continued]

Oversincerity & my day!

There is such a thing as oversincerity. And I feel bad whenever people remind me. By the way, today I learned It may be possible to control how much I let stuff people do or say hurt me simply by not reacting immediately and doing something important enough to get my mind off thinking of/pondering on how i feel. But I'm hoping the hurtful feeling has subsided for good and wouldn't return when I'm less busy or reminded of the event by something else said or done some other time. Usually, I would relieve myself of certain hurt by writing somewhere or saying something related to them (or the event that led to them) but I wanna learn to just let things go by building myself to be able to absorb and kill the hurt or pain without shedding it (or bits of it) off where eyes or ears can access - Maybe only to God. I wish me all the best as I try to keep putting efforts to reshape my life to cope better with reality and please God more.

Give me

Give me the right words and I'll write it in a poem.
Give me the right stage and I'll act it out boldly.
Give me the right tune and I'll sing it as a song.
Give me everything and I might forget your true value.
Give me nothing and I'll discover how much I really love you.

I Am Not Afraid

I am not afraid to 'lose' a battle which I wasn't fighting. And I am not a coward not to fight a fight whose victory is merely another form of defeat.

Unchanging

"I am YOUR friend" and YOU are probably the only one that wouldn't let my inconsistencies make YOU want to change those words. And that's why I find it so hard not to love YOU.

YOU are one - the only - thing I am sure would always be there, where you always were. And your words to me don't change when I do.

Help me to live with this consciousness that I may not expect too much from men.

Today I realized the true meaning of "unchanging love"

Thank You!

You taught me silence by letting me say it all
And taught me calmness by letting me do it all.
Now before another word I must weigh it all.
And before another move I'll replay it all.

You helped me to learn things I couldn't be taught
And led me to win fights I couldn't have fought.
So now I smile when I reminisce the hurt
'Cos now I see You were more to me than I had ever thought.

Thank You

I Loved You, GT!

You prayed for the change you felt you needed and it didn't come but you waited.
You were constantly reminded by people and events its necessity so you persisted.
Now after so long you feel it kicking and you are no longer sure how to receive it.
It's a strange feeling...now you're kinda reluctant to accept you would still need it.

I think I'm finally changing and I want to be excited but I'm missing me so badly already.
And if actually, you find me to be different or strange, I'm sorry. I hope you would still love me. If not, I hope a voice, somewhere in your heart will say "I loved you GT!".

From Here

From here, you are fair enough so I shan't risk the mile .
From here, they are clear enough still I shan't mistake the smile.
If standing afar keeps you beautiful and smiling
Then here shall I stand;
Where little feels just enough!

Her Beauty

...And the beauty of her face shall get his admiration.
The beautiful of her mind shall be his poetry.
The beauty of her attitude shall be the intangible fragrance;
without which all other beauty fails.

Retune?

Too many things to say, feels like only silence can speak them all.
Too many expressions, feels like only a smile can show them all.
Too many things...just too many, who can do them all.
When you’ve tried wisdom and it don't work and foolishness don't too.
And you’ve tried being better than you and it don’t work and being you don't work too.
Then you tried music and silence, and calmness and violence
And sadness and madness,
And you’ve stopped and you’ve tried again
And you’ve done everything and almost nothing was the gain
Pause and think again...read through it again
Say your prayers more slowly, more sincerely, again and again

When you’ve rushed and you’ve waited
You’ve told the truth, feelings stated
In rhymes and bold lines
Spilled things only found in gold mines
Done deeds your pride forbids and imaginations can't conceive
And it still don’t work.
Pause and think again...read through it again
Say your prayers more slowly, more sincerely, again
And the pain
Might just be your answer.

The last line don't always end with a rhyme...that's reality, that's life's poetry.
Some things only begin to make sense when you realize it wasn't meant to.
So switch; mode ‘re-tune’...I hope to see you when I get to the moon.

[don't blame me if i can't keep 'em to myself, that's why I got a blog...lol btw, the soundtrack i was listening to was just too inspiring...I had to write stuff]

That Virtue!

Let the silence speak.
Let the seconds tick.
After all is said and done
It all boils down to one;
What is left?
Pride or regret?
Where’s the truth in what was felt?
What was kept?
In the end, metal or prints changing hands,
With the emotion the moment demands
Shall speak for the past
So we know at last
Whose choices were wise.
Wait till silence is otherwise.

Lord, I know being less outspoken and expressive would change a lot 'bout me and my relationships with people but, I believe, it would help a lot if you taught me to be more silent by just the right amount!

Share

I Can't Afford It

I can’t spend a second trying
To convince myself
I could give-in and survive
These schemes, distraction and things
Luring my competence
“GT, come play!”
Don’t say how much
I’ll have to pay.
Not now, not today
Anyway.
“No, you can't!” said a second, trying
My transaction.
With the complete amount within,
My mind's hands withdraw
Slowly, bowing the pitiable face,
I turn away.

“Sorry. I can’t afford it”

I can’t spend another moment listening.
They might be right,
I might consider.
I can’t afford to stay
So I walk
Away from the happiness & freedom
They offer
A good deal;
“I’m doing just as good as you,”
Even better;
"Can’t you see?
You’re a deprived version of me."
Okay. Okay, I think I agree
but still….

I can’t afford…

To steal her gift
Just because I hold it.
Then after I’ve sold it
Pretend to love her
But owe her forever.
I’m sorry,
I can’t afford it.

His grace is sufficient, efficient.
Forgiveness, enough for a life time.
It’s all mine
To receive if I ask.
How could I refuse it?
Why should I misuse it?
“Don’t abuse it!”
Was the instruction that came along.
But "We'll get even later," now lets play along,
They say, to coerce conscience.
I wish we could, more convincingly,
Prove them wrong!

But I try
To once in a while
Figure things out.
When? Why? “would I ever spend it all?”
Maybe, maybe not.
I can't foretell my lot but I'll keep all I’ve got
Till life’s December
And the next
And most probably won’t regret
How long I waited for the next page;
The Exchange.
‘Cos I really never had it all.
On a second thought
I shall always remember
My life has been bought
With a price of unearthly worth.

So I’m sorry. I can’t give it away.
Not now, not today.
I simply can’t afford it!

You Are

You are the air i breathe
I cant grasp what i feel
But i feel you
Somewhere in between my lungs' walls
I breathe you
Out in my songs
Not long, I long
To be filled again.
And again and again
I can't grasp what i feel but
I need you
Everywhere. Like the air

You are poetry
Too deep for the shallow to swallow
Too big for canal wisdom to narrow
Your existence and essence
Science cant sense.
Yet my soul connects with your presence
And my spirit resonates with your expression;
Word by word
Lord

You are time
Ageless
Never ceasing to rhyme
Like the tick of a second
You reappear too often to deny
You are there, near
Still
Moving
Unstoppably

You are light
so bright
Fools can't see

You are who you are;

Great.
The creator of existence
And the spirit that hovered before it.
Bright morning star
The Son and father,
The One
Immortal infinite One!

That's who you are

You are nothing!
Nothing my words can fully describe
because you are indescribable

That's what you are

THRESHOLD

"Shut up!", she yelled, with sufficient rage in her tone to pass the message accurately enough not to be mistaken for a friendly command. The succeeding silence was not without much shock, immensely surprised heads stretching from study cubicles, sparse murmurs and attention drawn to one corner of the chilly ground floor of the library. Only one head seemed not to bear any expression deposited from the one-and-a-half second sound three seconds ago which had rapidly changed the mood of the room; her's. Her focus was fierce, guarded with palms on both sides of her head; she needed every drop of it which she had just gone the mile to secure. Whether that was uncalled-for, insensitive or totally manner-less would be resolved later. No one confronted her then; they either lacked courage or information. Her reaction therefore remained puzzling to almost everyone till the staff, identified by the school ID Card hung over his neck, walked in.

"I just couldn't take it anymore!", she explained. Her tone was lighter though laden with ample emotion as she swerved into a chronological account of the moments afore on the librarian's request. The library was the only place that held a promise for quiet study for students of her kind on the campus on such busy weekdays. Exams had begun for some and it soon would for others. For her, it was her finals. "These people. Same thing. Every time!" she continued, stretching out her slender hands but vaguely pointing to any particular person as she went on. Her frustration was understood by most who kept an ear for the ongoing explanation while the lad at whom she stared and to whom she spoke managed to show only little expression as he listened. Soon after, she was done. "I understand, but you didn't have to be that loud", he queried after a brief sigh. There was a brief pause then "I'm sorry, it was just so annoying and frustrating". "It's okay, just keep it silent from now on, okay?", he said mildly. And turning away from her, he said again, in a louder tone "Keep it silent people; you know the rules!" then walked away just as he came.Those few minutes and the brief yell that preceded seemed to have made a lot of difference.The small-statured pretty-looking westerner in her gray pullover could continue her study and the level of noise that had triggered her reaction never surfaced again, at least not for the next four hours.

"We all have our limits, Luke" said Kelly as they walked down the corridor leading out of the library complex. The gentle-looking, tall, African guy walking beside her responded with a smile. She noticed it and added "I know, I overreacted or something but I didn't really mean to be rude or anything ...". "I know!" interrupted Luke. "I understand. It's okay sweetie", he added, pulling her closer to him and giving a peck somewhere close to the forehead. She knew he meant it- and he actually did- even though he hardly knew that side of her before their relationship. Before, she was only a soft-spoken, seemingly smart, shapely, blond classmate whom he had found it difficult getting his mind off. But that was then, he knew better now. He knew what could make her feel like the luckiest girlfriend on campus and what could switch her mood. Luke didn't actually see what happened back there though he was also in the library; he was on a different floor; they didn't always study together, but her account of the event was sufficient and the trigger qualified for the latter. "We all have our limits, baby" he said. Kelly smiled, flung her arms across his waist where she would keep it for the rest of the walk and they walked on. They were a cute couple. But Luke's decision not to query her for the unladylikeness wasn't just a cute move , it was wise. He had his limits too.

In fact we all do. I believe there is always that point that marks a transition, "the starting point for a new state or experience" in attitude or behaviour of both animate and inanimate things on this earth and it manifest in different ways. It could be that point when you just wanna scream your fury out into the air; that point where you stop being you and snap into another you; that point when you 'tear your shirt' and make up your mind to 'face it' head-on; or that point when your dam of discipline can seemingly no longer hold back the urge to shut-up the reckless word-hurling mouth before you with the fling of an arm. Otherwise, it could be that moment you decide to let-go someone or something you love for the better despite how hard for you, unfair to the other and unnecessary to others it may seem; or the moment you realize your repeated failure is no defeat and rise to challenge the uncertainty of success like you've never done before; or the moment you begin to "flee" from certain encounters instead of risking another fall under the pretense that you would "overcome", despite how ludicrous some people may perceive it. It is that moment you realize things just can't afford to remain the same. That is the point...the Threshold.

What matters is not whether or not we could be bent till we snap - because we all could - or how we ought to react at snap-points - because we are all different - but the nature of our plasticity as visible from our thresholds, its manifestation and the events it ushers. This differs from person to person and from issue to issue. Certain people are more tolerant than others on certain issues than on others. Some have so trained or been trained that their thresholds on many matters have been pushed too far away to be reached by everyday odds and people (possibly why extreme measures such as in interrogation and torture are employed sometimes to 'break' suspects into giving away themselves or others), others are just that way by nature. There however, exist a breed that would never snap even at the face of 'fatal' triggers. Though this is uncommon, it is possible and sometimes a necessary skill to possess. But considering the average individual, every human would break if bent hard enough; that point is his threshold and it usually ushers an unusual phase, response or reaction which differs too. For Kelly, it was a loud "shut-up!" for a noisy library; for the guy in a relationship thorned by too many heartbreaking ups and downs, it could be a sudden 'it's-over-ish' statement or attitude to his partner;for the simple-hearted friend whose generousity has been taken for granted too often, it may come as a sudden display of cynicism and distrust.

We sure cannot and are not expected to know every one we see or meet so precisely as to predict their every move and reaction. However, there are certain truths we must not fail to keep in mind. Having noted that people have limits and it differs, while relating and interacting we must learn them and observe their tolerance level and threshold reaction on various issues so as not to mistakenly step too hard on their toes or be blown away by their 'explosion' even when we could predict they had had a little too much. Friends, colleagues and even strangers could act or react - and do strange, extreme and incredibly unbelievable things - in ways we never had imagined if pushed hard enough.

While we note that positive thresholds and extremes also exist, we must be more conscious about the negative ones as the results go accordingly. The results of negative triggers could be fatal to relationships. Words said and wrongs done may be forgiven but hardly forgotten. Distrust and silent hatred could be planted in hearts and would remain even if they never grow. Regret, plenty of explanation, apology, and lots of time would often go in in attempt to fix such results , however, with no guarantee things could be fixed back to exactly how they were before. So be warned!

For us, we must look into ourselves too. How easily do we break when triggered negatively and how much would it take to push us past our positive thresholds? That, indeed, defines reasonable our personality, strengths and weaknesses. Would we stick with a wrong or an unpleasant act or path until something (event) very humiliating or terribly heart-breaking gives us a push or would little experiences and friendly advice be enough to spur us to take the challenge to do the right and necessary? Are we very sensitive to offenses so much that our wall of reactions is usually only a few insulting words, hits below the belt, and disappointments behind us? Your threshold speaks a lot and means a lots too. Beware!

It's a two-way thing and matters much. It may be instinctive but could be observed, understood and kept in check. It is a critical point; the Threshold. Be aware!

The SoLOiST

...Played same notes for a few bars, plied same route at some point, were mates sometime. He was just realizing; we are mere cohorts of individuality. Sad as it felt, this feeling didn't erupt from inexperience. He had been too reluctant to accept reality when it hinted and, yes, he felt foolish but was justifiable. What he couldn't figure out was why he was the only one who lacked that consciousness then. But actually he wasn't and would have realized that if his emotions were more in-tact at the moment. There were others who took those youthful days with as much ignorance or slackness as he but he wouldn't be consoled by that.

There was no time to wish for a rollback, crying in the silence of depression wouldn't help either. Cynicism may, he considered. It was an extreme he never believed in but it now felt necessary. So he made a resolution and ,slowly, steadily evolved into the man who would later be named a name that describes his present life, perspective and act...THE SOLOIST.

It was now perfectly clear. We were born into the same home but different destinies. We have walked through the same years or number of years but different experiences. Even if we had the same qualification, we sure have different ability. We are different people, individuals. We are all on our own. Therefore, being who he now was was not a decision he had to make. It was a pre-existing status he merely had to realize, operate as, and get used to - which he hoped he would. He was ready.

Twenty-two year old Maxwell Thames, sprawled on his fluffy Tabriz rug, reached out for a remote control lying about one feet away from his left hand, felt around the buttons for a few seconds with his fingers then, pointing it forward, made some music play from the stereo set standing somewhere close-by, about three metres away from his feet. Dropping back the remote, both arms swept an angle at the elbow and found his palms behind his head where they met, intercepting his head from the rug. Then his eyes closed as his mind wandered a few years back.

It was the Redwood High School days, 1992. Schooling was fun, especially with his bunch of friends and their variety of craziness. It wasn't a very big group. They were five but that was just the core. The entire circle was larger with people joining and leaving, active then inactive, fighting and bonding. That was how it was for the entire period from fourth to fifth grade. But the five remained relatively together. Everything was just fine, academics too. Though they weren't scoring the same marks in the weekly class quiz, it wasn't bad enough to throw them apart. Jun usually scored the highest among the five and sometimes in the entire class and they all knew it. Even before the marked sheets would arrive, guesses would be on the wait and on some crazy days bets. Pretty often, the argument was whether or not he will break his 'record' this time. "I say yes," Max would usually say and that would almost automatically throw his usual 'rival', Gab on the other end; "no! mine is a no!" Her name was actually Gabriella but she acted too much like a 'he' for the name. She was a tomboy, but a really cute one, though she didn't look it. Her braided hair, un-made-up face and dressing was never enough to give her away if she hadn't spoken or been in a conversation. You could hardly notice her boyishness from afar but close up her energy and sarcasm were a mismatch for her fully feminine face and figure. Of course, not for the group. They were used to her, everyone else among them and themselves.

Audrey and Debby would take our sides too while the owner of the script had a good time and took his - even he could never be too sure what the outcome of day's assessment would be. On some other days the bet would be if he would 'top' again or not. Whoever lost would have to give up a reasonable portion of his lunch for that day for those on the other side and take some serious ridicule. But lunch would still be fun, loud and attracting a lot of attention as usual. Their closeness was envied by many of their mates but that didn't matter much. They simply rolled on. Teenage-hood was exciting. [to be continued...]

Who says I cant rap?

"wen I speak less they say am speechless/now they questn ma swiftness/but y'all knw am d best/am d remedy 2 empty floors, n enemy to wack flows n melody/gen-t-ly hacking hate frm d haters' memory/n so d stage keeps calling me/ ma fans keep bugging me/hugging me/mobbing me/ just cant stop loving me/ so u can scream ma name or stand alone in shame/cos am da destiny/da game/ n thats y i came"....rap, lol!

Anybody?!

Hello! He-low! I know, I’m not alone. I know. But so sometimes it feels. And though I see no walls in the vast expanse of possibility’s horizon, I hear it. Echo. Calling. “Hello-o-o, anybody there. Be mad with me! Anybody?!”

Peering within for an answer, ears hoping for the bonus of a second voice paved with courage and blessed with a heart to match, too irritated to take another gulp of the nonsense with no anger, I’m desperate. “Anybody?!”

‘Anybody?!’ Indignant at the stench of decay and with vision fisted for change, men are sought and women who are only so declared by gender. Angry, equipped with exposure, ready and mad for a war to restore green-faded-into-black back to grounds which for decades it has never tread; stable sanity. Our Nigeria needs them. And now, only those mad enough can be the heroes.

“Anybody?!”

The Perfect Shoe

I found a beautiful shoe
It wasn't my favourite blue
So I cast it aside and continued my search
I had to forfeit it for you

But I found another shoe
And this time it was blue
But not quite the shade, although it was close
I wouldn't mistake it for you

So where's my perfect shoe
With that perfect shade of blue.
I know you are there, won't settle for less
I'll seek till I find you
And to the mockers that stare
I'll give them no ear
'cos they'll have to find theirs too. ha ha!

COMMENT
Getting things we desire when we desire them is usually not as easy as guessing where the sun will rise from. In the course of our search or strive for what we desire, most times, we find some 'good-enoughs' which tempt us to consider searching no further.

"After-all, we don't always get what we want", so "what assurance have we that what we have found so far isn't the possible closest to the 'perfect' we could get?",some may probe.

We can't be too sure, can we? but if I, sincerely, haven't exhausted my reachable search area, stretched my ability (to perceived limit), prayed convincingly hard enough and listened receptively enough for the available space of time within which the necessity of my desire remains valid then taking anything less could be justified as hypocritical to my professed desire.

Notions like "When the desirable is not available, the available becomes the desirable" often only threaten determination to achieve the best. However, not so easily for those who realize one truth. The unavailability of the desirable is most times only within limits of timing and effort (resources and determination). If these are not exhausted then one may only be justified to assert that "When the desirable is not available-for how much effort one is ready to spare and within the limit of time one is willing to search-, the then available becomes the then desirable". For nothing is truly unavailable to the man who hasn't tried all he could for as long as he could.

So weigh it! Take what you've found knowing you searched only so much -and stand the risk of regret- or keep on the search till you find the perfect shoe or discover it doesn't exist-which you couldn't have been sure of if u didn't try hard enough.

~ WHY DO GIRLS TEND TO BE SO ...?!?!?!

If I woke up one morning to realize I have become sexist I may not be too shocked. I'll just come to terms with the reality of it, drag myself into the bathroom and while under the shower, seek reasons to feel remorse for my stance.



So "GT, why the unusual tone”. I'll explain.

I once read a write up by a friend asking WHY DO GUYS TEND TO BE SO POSSESSIVE?!?!?!. I found it personally interesting especially for its wry humour knowing little that I might find need to ask something similar bout GIRLS sometime later. Anyways, I am writing this and saying all I shall be saying here because some experiences have driven me to that point where you choose to ease yourself by screaming out "What is this! I really can't take this anymore!!" like that would scare your 'adversaries' away. Well, maybe this may seem as just 'ginger' (a slightly aggressive way of expressing feelings which most times doesn't make significant contribution to the subject) like some would describe it. However, having been pretty much a girl-person, I find it most relevant at this point to pass a message to all who care to listen (read). But first, I would like to ask, pretty sincerely, WHY DO MOST GIRLS TEND TO BE SO?!?!?!.

Okay, I agree "?!?!?!" is pretty ambiguous so I have decided to specify a few aspects of what I mean.

CRYPTIC:
I don't seem to grasp why most girls are so unnecessarily secretive, slippery and difficult to understand. And, yes! They do it consciously. I have loads of female friends of whom I would be being too brave to claim to really know or understand. They always have things to 'keep out' from conversations and the entire need-to-know-each-other-better process. There is always too much "you shouldn't see", "you shouldn't know" and "don't worry/bother", "never mind" - if you are the outspoken type who will actually make open requests. And for things such as expressing emotions...I've had to do lots of work equivalent to a studying for a SAT exam just to decode how a girl feels about 'us’, a friendship or certain other issues. They will hardly ever speak out their feelings, it must be the guy. "He should be sensitive enough". "He should understand". "He should find out" (from where?). "He should know, somehow"...bla bla bla…as if guys are some detective dudes that must do all they can to get evidence from a mute witness-girls-who can’t just be expressive enough. Where on earth did they all even get that orientation from? "Nonsense to them!!!!" ['Ogembo' - Emmanuel Sogein]


INDECISIVE:
"What do girls want?" I don't know! So don't ask me! Don't even ask them 'cos they also don't know. Try and see. 'Cos I have...many guys have. Most girls want too much more than they need; even the mutually exclusive things. Of course they won't say them all at once but just keep listening. Just keep watching their cravings and 'decoding' (since that's what we must do to thrive with them) their highly encrypted responses and you'll realize. They can't seem to make up their mind easily between good and better. Sometimes I am tempted to see it as some complex shade of greed that keeps urging them to have them both- even if it means not admitting their preference of one over the other. And expectedly, this often costs more. Well, not always cash; emotions too. Okay, this is what I mean. She wants to be 'free' from mandatory commitments in a relationship but doesn’t mind getting the 'love' and company and all that can be got for free while the guy is still very optimistic. To ward off the expected 'plunge', she would need to keep demanding more patience tactfully enough not to sound a "NO!" that would snap him. However, to sustain the supply of attention she would have to keep close (frequently enough so as not to be gotten over) and perform periodic 'hope-raisers' to rejuvenate slacked sectors. But knowingly or unknowingly to her, this takes him up and down an emotional roller coaster while leaving him unable to resist another ride even after he may have vowed never to return. Pathetic! For goodness sake "If you are not free then pay the price of not being free!" [Pius Ile]

Another case is where she must finally choose one when she has more than one that fit. One feels very comfortable and would serve very well for now, considering her present daily schedule. The other is a better match for the dress she is intends to wear for the wedding which is a couple of months away. She knows she shouldn’t have them both and that the wedding is necessity and should be given clear and obvious priority but she also can't summon the courage to abandon the other which strongly appeals to her comfort. So she keeps both, knowing she wouldn’t have to pay the extra cost alone. In cases where the items involved are guys, the cost is again paid with emotions. The ' for now' guy would surely feel regret. Except, of course, he equally only bargained for that. And the ‘wedding’ guy wouldn’t feel too proud either if he found out.

This bid to 'eat your cake and have it' is surely not something whose outcome guys like me would find anything short of annoying. Especially when it involves people and when emotions are at stake. Can’t they just decide what they want?! I mean, just choose! 'haba!'

*Sorry, I need to go to bed so I'll stop here for now. If when I wake up I am still not sexist, I'll most probably continue in the same tone. Otherwise...I can't be sure what the rest of the write-up will read. Later!*